Life and Times of the Martian Manhunter

Friday, September 29, 2006

Exploring the DCU: Finale.

As I landed in the world of what looked to be 1975, I heard a voice. A mocking metalic voice.
"You know my true intentions, Red Rhino, and thus, have been eliminated from the timestream and propelled to an alternate reality." Apparently the Red Rhino has stumbled upon some sort of even more evil being. Pity I'm not in the other reality to deal justice to him.
"We're back in the time I love, when people didn't use incomprehensible slang like 'pawn'd'!" Rants the Rhino.
"Uh... that would be pwn'd." I correct.
"But that doesn't make sence; it doesn't have a vowel."
"Internet slang doesn't follow the rules of grammar."
"See! The internet has taken over our--"
"ENOUGH! We're not in 2006 any more; we're in 1976. There's no abundant internet here, so quit whining!" I shout.
Our bickerring was interrupted by another mental message, this time from the Monitors.
"J'onn, the evil being known as Skeets has sent you back to the Heroes United Earth. We can arrange for you to be sent forward in time if you would like that."
"I would." I replied. I was sent forward in time, back to where I was before this mess started. Back to HU Earth, 2006, and free of that pesky Red Rhino. I was finally home.*

*Yay for cheesy endings!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

The Man (?) Inside the Mask! That's Henchman?!?

Ace Chapter 12:

I woke up. Time to track down that AIM agent. I stepped out of my quarters, and followed the tracer until I saw the AIM character. He seemed to have gained weight. I poked him with my nose. He turned around.
"Hola, mi nombre es Eduardo. Y tu?" said the AIM character.
"Umm... I don't think you're who I'm looking for."
"Oh, wait. I not Eduardo. I am vicious AIM agent. Si." says Eduardo.
Who is this oaf? I wondered. First he says he's Eduardo, now he says he's an AIM agent. Whoever he is, he's not the one I saw yesterday.
"I was trailing a criminal with a costume similar to yours, and I was wondering how your costume ended up with a tracer on it."
"Oh, I was going to costume party with all mi imaginary friends, but I end up here. But this place good too. It has potatoes. I like potatoes." rants the purple creature avoiding the question entirely.
"And how did you get this tracer?" I ask impatiently.
"Mi amarillo amigo, Sr. Henchman must have gotten his clothes mixed up with mine in the laundromat." he says with a heavy Mexican accent.
I wonder if I should report this character to the hostess. Nah, he seems harmless enough. Unlike that Mike fellow. I am SO a dog.
I am interrupted from my thoughts by Batman.
"Ace, there's a case in Gotham. You can deal with your purple monster later."

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Ace Arrives at Sky City! The Suspicious Man in the Yellow Suit!

Ace Chapter 11:

Well, the JLA did absolutely nothing against those evil creatures that were ruining the town. The monsters were already distroyed, and the team is now disbanded for a new team. A better team, I'm sure.

So, I got an invitation from Noel to a party on Sky City. When I arrived, I was rather surprised. There were all kinds of shady characters! There was a vampire, wearing about a tenth of the amount of clothes of the average human, a guy wearing an AIM uniform, and a bunch of people discussing a war of some sort. I tacked a bat-tracer on the guy in the AIM suit. I'll have to keep an eye on him. The vampire seemed to be deliverring some sort of a speech. Something about her blog. I decided to deal with the yellow man after a night's sleep.

Me amn't in--

the Apprentice. Me amn't paired with that useless silver senior citizen who amn't named Elixir. Don't support we!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Exploring the DCU: Part 6

"Kneel before my feet, Martian! Kneel before the feet of... the Red Rhino!" With these ominous words, my first supervillain in months appeared before me. Of course, I was knocked out on the floor. Somewhat reminescent of Hal Jordan. Naturally my super Martian stamina enabled me to wake up quickly, near the tail end of his speach. "And for said reasons, I have declared genocide upon the legions of mankind, for their so called modern life, has deteriorated into gobs of violence and idiocy! The world will soon be repopulated by I! Repopulated with the help of a select few, and the power of that fool Xavier's Cerebro machine! The aliens' foreign cultures have naturally helped mankind's deterioration, particularly warlike Mars. This is why you die first. Next the saiyan and his friends. The human's puny registration act will do no good! The aliens must die! Die and never return. I will keep a registration act of new aliens coming in, of course! A registration act of the select few aliens who might HELP mankind, unlike you and you-rrgh!" I did that trick the Vision always used to do, with dematerialising my hand and materialising it again back in his body. It obviously hurt him quite a bit.

"Manhunter! You will pay for that with your life! By the time I am done with you, you will wish you were killed when I hit you onto the floor!" yelled the Rhino.
"So, I slept through some of your monologue. Could you say why you hate humanity again?" I said, stalling for time in an attempt to think of a strategy against this villain, who seems to recover quite quickly.
"But of course! Mankind must know of the reason for their death, or history will only repeat itself!" But if he succeeds in his plan, would there be a mankind left to learn from it's errors? He's just sprouting cliches! Oh, yes, back to planning.

Him: My main problem is with the extreme disrespect children today sprout out! They have no respect whatsoever! I mean, really! Have you seen some of the jargon they sprout today? I mean, really, what's a jive turky?!?!?
Me: If I may, interrupt, I should note that the term 'jive turkey' hasn't been used for several years. I think it's considered politically incorrect, currently.
Him: Again with the political correctness of today! Back in my day--
Me: Listen, you're a supervillain; I'm a superhero. We fight. Not have jibberish conversations. If I win, you'll go to jail. If you win, I'll leave Earth forever and leave you to your plans. Deal?
Him: I don't make deals with the enemy!

Having finally conceived a plan, I override the autopilot, jerk the ship sideways, sending the Red Rhino plummetting against the wall, dangerously close to the door. I press a button, opening the door. It's vaccuum begins to pull him out. His space suit's oxygen won't last a few hours. I decide to save him. After all, heroes don't kill. Particularly me.* I close the door as he's being sucked out the door. Oh, great, I think I just heard a snap. As I dragged him in, I undid the space suit, to see if his back was broken. He was alive, barely. I guess that counts as a win.
I begin to send the ship home, when a strange vortex begins to open around the ship. Suddenly, I'm in the past. Let's see if this universe's past is as much as the Red Rhino makes it out to be. I think he's blinded by nostalgia, but we'll see.

*The people who've read the new Martian Manhunter mini-series will find the irony in that statement.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Exploring the DCU: Part 5

Talking with Mr. Kent confirmed that he was powerless. Fortunately, he allowed me to use the JLA's personal ship. Right before I began lifting off I thought I heard a distant *thud* on the back of my ship... Must be debris from the take off. I set the ship on an autopilot ship to Mars and kick back and sleep...
Several hours later, I wake up. Apparently we've arrived on Mars, and it's quite different than the dead planet of Mars from my earth. It still has cities and--wait, the ships... they're lifting off of the planet! I watch in awe as the platoons of ships evacuate the planet. It begins to shake violently. Clearly I am seeing the end of th--ugh! I feel a strong whack on the back of my head. I stagger and collapse.
"That was no mere debris that hit the back of your vehicle! No, it was I, stowing away with mere seconds to spare before your ship took off! Now, kneel beneath my feet, Martian! Kneel beneath the feet of--the Red Rhino!"

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Exploring the DCU: Part 4

So, I was to set off for Mars... The only question is: how? I don't have the patience to fly all the way there myself, and no one on this earth knows me. I suppose I could be confused with the other J'onn on this earth... The other J'onn! He must be experienced in space travel!
Our conversation goes as follows:

Me:...So, that's it. I'm a robotic spy from another universe, who wants to explore this one while the Monitors try to get me back to the Heroes United Earth.
Him: You know, the multiverse is like a patch of tomatoes. Endless stems branching off of what seems like a simple enough sphere. All endlessly connected.
Me: *Ahem* That's very deep and all, but might you--
Him: Do we merely exist to be eaten. To be broken apart? Stripped the universe's greatest secrets, like a tomato loses seeds? Do the Monitors have the right to destroy our universe thus?
Me: Well, maybe so. I'd like to see the difference that this universe has had, having more meddling by the Monitors, unlike the other one, which has only been observed...
Him: The Monitors... Why did we need a crisis in the first place? Why do we need temperences with our already fragile realities? Shouldn't the Monitors live up to their names? The Watcher known as Uatu once tried to destroy the Heroes United Universe, but decided for the better not to. Why must the Monitors mettle? I beleive that your universe actually has outdone ours in some areas...
Me: Wait, how did you know about the Watcher incident? I only discovered it recently?
Him: Foolish other me... Did you think I would not notice the subtle hints in your way of speach towards it? I know all... Also: Don't try to hold anything from a telepath.
Me: Oh, and about the space ship...
Him: Yes?
Me: Do you have any?
Him: Go ask Superman.
Me: Is your universe's Superman in the Justice League?
Him: Yes, why?
Me: I mean, when my universe's Superman isn't in the Justice League... it tends to lead to disorganised chaos.
Him: You cut out the heart of a tomato, and it will quickly wither away. Thus is the Justice League. Thus are all organisations.
Me: Well, it's been nice talking to you. Is Superman here, or in the Fortress of Solitude.
Him: He is ripe for the plucking. His powers are gone. I would not know where to find him.
Me: But you just told me to ask him where to find a space ship...
Him: Oh, I'm sorry. I was busy reading your mind. Must not have been paying attention.
With that I floated backword through the wall to escape the madness that lay in continuing to talk to him. Hopefully my knowledge of Superman's secret identity, gained by the Earth Prime fragment of the Heroes United Earth...

Exploring the DCU: Part 3

Well, this has been a hectic time... About a week ago, Black Atom and Isis were to be wed. This, naturally, didn't bode well for me meeting with him. The wedding itself was quite... unique.

There was a talking tiger...

A girl named Mary...

An Elvis-like fellow...

This fellow, who seemed quite mad...

And an obese fellow...

The groom...

And the bride...

After the opening ceremonies, there was a commotion involving an assasination of the quite young ringbearer... This world was just too full of death. I have decided to leave earth and see if homeworld Mars is still around in this universe... More on this to come.